Ah, Declan John, a Welshman by birth and defender by trade and a canny left back, if indeed such a thing exists. He was born on the 30th of June 1995, making him a tender of age of 30, yet remarkably still maintaining the same level of mediocrity as he did in his youth.
He plays for St Mirren, wearing the number 24 (because why pick one of the more famous football numbers when you can blend into the background?). Standing at 5ft 10in (or 1.78m in that perplexing metric system) and a weight of 11st 11lb (or an insignificant sounding 75kg), he clearly meets the physical criteria for a footballer, albeit at the left back position.
Of course, it would be utterly useless to know all these intimate details without ascertaining his market value. So, for those of you with an inexplicable urge to buy him, Transfermarkt has valued him at about £213k. A sum truly befitting a player of his, well, presence.
Young Declan's career has been a bit of a carousel ride, starting in July 2011 when he thought he could play footie and joined Cardiff City in the League One as a trainee. He persevered through four seasons, managing to come off the bench 20 times in his debut season with diminishing success thereafter.
Following a series of loans in teams like Barnsley and Chesterfield, in 2017 he ended up playing for Rangers in Scotland's Premiership where he did something miraculous -- he not only appeared 26 times in the league but also managed to score three goals. In fact, it seems he enjoyed the Scottish rain and bagpipes so much so that he decided in January 2018 to leave Cardiff City and return north to Rangers.
Despite his evidently meteoric rise, he became an £800k asset for Swansea City in August 2018. I say "asset" although he made just eleven appearances in two campaigns, which makes you question the financial acumen of the Swansea City board.
And then his tour of England's illustrious clubs continued, with a brief loan at Sunderland, a semi-permanent move to Bolton Wanderers, and yet another loan at Salford City. It was almost as if no one could quite decide if they wanted him or not, but then perhaps they were just waiting for his magical left-back powers to finally ignite.
Most recently, in November 2024, John has found himself back in the land of whisky and tartan, this time playing for St Mirren in Scotland. Here he made a total of 32 appearances and scored a staggering three goals over two seasons, truly cementing his legacy as a consistent performer and a credit to the sport of football.
