Harry Milne, the lad born on 29 October 1996, pride of the local chip shop, apparently makes a living as a left back for Hearts, though I've seen milk turn quicker. He could blend into the squad unnoticed, but if you squint thoughtfully at the chap in the number 18 jersey, you might just spot him. A towering figure of 1.83m (6ft) and tipping the scales at 76kg (11st 13lb), he'd likely win in a fight against a wee lad in the schoolyard.
According to those boffins over at Transfermarkt, Milne is worth a whopping £500k, I'd hate to see their grocery bills.
Back in the who-gives-a-fig year of 2015, Milne graced the Cove Rangers with his presence. Probably gave the grass a good flattening with those size 10s, if nowt else.
In the vaguely remembered annum of 2022, Milne gallantly descended from mighty Cove Rangers to the less lofty peaks of Partick Thistle. It was here, that Milne, perhaps inspired by the haunting midges of Scottish stadiums, got a bit footy. He had a staggering run with 28 appearances and netted himself a luxurious tally of four goals in his debut season. Clearly, a man of unbound consistency, he followed this up with 34 appearances and three goals in his next season. Mind you, he must've pulled a muscle or something in the subsequent season, because he only managed 17 appearances and three goals.
Then, presumably bored of Partick Thistle, he upped sticks to Hearts in 2025 for an undisclosed fee. Probably because they were too embarrassed to admit they'd spent more on this lad than an all-inclusive holiday to Benidorm! He must've spent most of that season nursing a hangover from the Thistle Christmas party, since he only played three league games.
The current season at Hearts finds our beloved Milne a bit more in spirits, with 17 appearances and a goal. One can only dream of such glories. All the best, Milne. Not that you’ll need it given your ability to step heroically into a perfectly spherical object tumbling across the grass.
